Some Days Are Meltdowns

Children have meltdowns. They are big, loud emotional storms. We have all witnessed them because where and when meltdowns occur are arbitrary. They happen at home or at Walmart or the grocery store. Yesterday, a four year old had a meltdown in a public washroom.

Meltdowns are all about being frustrated and overwhelmed. Thus, temper tantrum is a misnomer. Meltdowns are not intentional and they cannot be put on hold. Poor mommies and daddies know there is an audience, potentially judging.

I believe some of the Public Meltdown Observers are indeed judging, even in thinking something as subtle as "my children never did that." Other Public Meltdown Observers are empathizing and would love to help if they could. 

Meltdowns are not within children's control.  Their brains have fresh, spongy, yet-to-be-developed prefrontal cortex.  This area of the brain is known as the "executive." It facilitates problem solving, inhibition, and self control.  All of this is not fully developed until people are in their mid twenties.

When an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex cannot help out, children are at the mercy of their lower brain. Lower brain is all about instinct. If you think about it, punishment plays to children's lower brain, encouraging more instinctual fight or flight. In contrast, security and safety given by a caring adult plays to that same activated lower brain.

From a brain-based perspective, the mommy in the bathroom yesterday was just what her young son needed.  She did not reason, offer incentive (bribe), or scold.  She did not resort to her own lower brain and start to yell. She stayed calm, acknowledged his fear, and kept her son safe. It was really quite beautiful to behold.

Adults have meltdowns too. I have seen prefrontal cortex functioning shut down at the most unbecoming times - in the checkout line, on the soccer field, in meetings. 

I had a recent meltdown.  It was Friday, late afternoon.  I believe my prefrontal cortex was just tired. Inhibiting and problem solving were just too exhausting. Maybe. Like with children, my meltdown was irrational and came from a place of frustration and overwhelming emotions.

Fortunately for the greater good of society, my meltdown occurred when I was completely alone and in the comfort of our home, on a soft chair, under a blanket. And I did not shout or scream or throw. I cried. A lot. And for a fairly long time.

I tell this in a blog because it is my truth. Telling it helps me.  For me "Fake It 'Til You Make It" is slightly flawed and does not work so well anymore.  Most of the time I am not really fooling anyone anyhow. At least I am not fooling people who know me and love me.

When I am a bit raw and fragile, I need someone with the wisdom of that mommy in the bathroom.  I need to connect to my emotional safety net - people who hang with me, puffy eyes and all.

After the storm, there is the  question I ask myself,  "OMG, what just sent me over the edge?" I suspect the mommy in the bathroom had already processed and perhaps even anticipated her son's stress. He needed to pee and he was wearing snow pants. Meltdowns may be irrationally but they come from somewhere.

Then, once again, I needed to remember I don't need fixing.  We all get tender and raw and fragile. When I was younger, I use to bottle it up and withdrawn, thinking I was...well...a whack job. So maybe I am a whack job, but that seems to be part of the human experience.

Friday evening, I said to the man I love, "I had a big old boo hoo this afternoon." What could be more affirming than his response, "Is there anything I can do to help?"   This is the connection that heals and transforms, that keeps you safe until the storm passes.

Love wins.